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depression [27 Nov 2007|10:30pm]

It's been a long long long time since I last posted an entry.
I've been busy with work. (I hate being a working adult) And I've been addicted to computer games. But mostly....

I've been going through depression.

The most of last year has been a constant struggle. Tears, anger, disappointments, lots of wishing that things would change; that it would get better, frustrations, more disappointments, plenty of doubts, even more tears, isolation, avoidance, loss, grief....

Oddly enough, with that myriad of overwhelming emotions everyday, I could hardly blog anymore. Could hardly express myself, my thoughts, my grief, my loss. I have had several times attempted to write something, but always, I have been held back by memories of insensitive words - words that do not understand, words that slice through the heart rather than heal it.

"Oh, you just need to move on."
"You'll meet new people, and soon you'll have new friends"
"Pray.... pray... pray...."
"All you need is God"

Good intentions I hope. True to a certain extent too. But insensitive all the same. Or maybe I just couldn't accept it just like that. It took me so long, so many 'I think I'm crazy', far too many tears and heart aches to finally approach professional help, an independent counsellor, to whom I can just talk without feeling condemned or judged or reprimanded. After 6 sessions, I was on my own again. So I seeked out the NHS (medical health service) which unfortunately has a long waiting list.

A few more months of trying to hang in there without professional help, I finally thought I'm starting to cope just alright on my own. I'm not doing great, but at least I'm no longer crying all the time on my way to work, on my way back from work. At least I'm no longer crying myself to sleep, wishing that sleep would take me away.

But here I find myself again, going through the same destructive cycle... wishing that life would end somehow to take away my head aches. Ah. But I have a problem. I am terrified of death. Irony.

Then again, I never really got out of the cycle. I was just suppressing it.

I don't really know if I'll ever write again about my depression publicly. Well I doubt any of my old friends ever read here anyway. But having worn my heart on my sleeve for most of my life, I find it almost too painful to trust people again with inner and fragile me. For now, I'm keeping everything under Friends Only.

Maybe one day.... writing publicly won't bring me so much pain again....
When that day comes, I'll write.
13 flew by | catch the butterfly!

ever after [25 Mar 2007|11:15pm]

I was on the train, coming back from the careers fair in London when they stepped onto the train and sat across me. His hair was completely white and she no longer had her youthful skin. His hands were rough and tanned with all those years of labour. Hers were tiny and frail. Still, she wrapped her arms around her husband's arms.

It was so sweet just to look at them.

Of course, I dared not stare – after all it was rude to stare at people who are 'in love'.

It had been a long day today, and my journey will take another 40 minutes. So to kill the time and sleepiness I decided to take a nap.

Later, I woke up and realised she tapped my knee. She asked if I had missed my stop. It was so nice of her to wake me up out of concern that I may have missed my stop. I said no, that my stop was further away. I smiled and thanked her. And she smiled back.

We made light conversation when the train stopped at the station. She said the gap between the platform and the train was quite high, and old knees like theirs struggle with it.

As the train approached the next station, he got up from his seat slowly; after all old knees don’t move as fluid as they once did. And she stood up too.

He offered his hand to her, and she took it. Together they walked towards the door. She walked in front and held on to the support rail, and he stood behind her doing the same, protecting her as he always had.

When the train stopped, they both stepped down slowly onto the platform. She wrapped her arms around her husband’s and they walked off together.

I was glad the gap between the train and this platform station wasn't too high. I know what it feels like to have old knees and having to struggle to climb up or step down the train. Old knees are more trouble than blessing in disguise.

I was even more touched to see the husband and wife still happily in love with each other despite all the grey hairs and wrinkled skin. You don’t see something like that very often in this day and age; where people still stay together until death do them part. It is sad to see broken relationships, broken marriages, broken families, but all these are very real. So I am truly touched by these two love birds. Because today they taught me an important lesson -

That there is a ever after...

It may not be forever happy ever after, because we all know marriage is never easy. Two people in a marriage go through ups and downs, joy and sorrow, success and failures. But what matters at the end of the day is that through all that, they should emerge out from the valleys stronger with a much better understanding, respect and love for one another.

Yes, there may not be a forever happy ever after... But there is a happy ever after.

His head may be full of white hairs, and her hands may be wrinkled from all the labours of love. But their eyes still twinkle for each other...

1 flew by | catch the butterfly!

getting sick part 2 [17 Jan 2007|11:49pm]

So yes. Last week I was sick. And Last week I was depressed.

Missed my family loads especially when I'm sick, because there was no one to look after mua. =( Wanted to talk to a human, but got depressed when I scrolled through my MSN contact list & phone book and realise I couldn't talk to anyone about my problems and struggles with this relocation and being ill.

The realisation that you're all alone and no one cares hurt. And as always I try to hang on and keep going. But everyone has a limit. And sometimes I wish I didn't have to be strong.

It seems to me as if everyone expects me to be strong, just because I was once a Christian leader - and leaders are supposed to be strong no matter what. And if I fall and stumble and complain and get afraid and emotional, I am accused of having no faith. And it scares me, because having no faith means I have no hope in God. And God is my only strength.

Yet, the heart feels pregnant with an overwhelming myriad of emotions that need release. So I'm stuck in the middle - trying to be strong and have faith, but yet feeling so much pain and hurts and disappointments and wanting to crash to the ground.

I wish that I don't have to be strong.
I wish that people don't expect me to be strong.
Because then I can sit down and properly cry the heaviness away and find comfort and assurance from people who care and understand that sometimes I'm not strong enough to always be strong.

I don't think any of my friends will ever understand how difficult it is for me to relocate down from Liverpool. How much I struggle with the feelings of loneliness and abandonment and even rejection. How much I grieve over the loss of a friendship I really treasured. How much effort I put into trying to move on, adjust to a new life and build new relationships again (but sometimes fail).

I know my friend meant well when he asked me to pray with an open mind - that God may want to move me out of my comfort zone (due to the possibillity of the short assignment in another office at Aldershot). But that well-meant comment stabbed deep into the core, because this place where I am now is not a comfort zone for me. And I felt that somehow life was being unfair to me, that I was getting the short end of the lousy stick.

Isn't having to relocate here with no friends to turn to, and still struggling to find a church and to start a new life all over again more than enough burdens for a person as tiny as me? Does God HAVE to send me to a further office and make me travel 2 hours for a return trip from work daily for the next 5 months? Do people have to be so insensitive to make that kind of remarks? Are people really that busy to care for a friend?

I realise I expect a lot from my old church. I suppose this was the first church I felt like I belong to, and I gave the church my all. And when I left and moved away, I expected people to care enough to still call and find out if I'm coping just fine. Some who called, call because they needed my help for church business. Many didn't. And that's very sad. Superficial comes to mind. And expectations from one's church does exist.

It makes me wonder, what is the point of investing in people and sharing lives with them. Is is worth anything to invest so much? I hate it when Christians can be such hypocrites to preach about sharing and investing in another person's life but don't actually do it. It defies my logic.

I ought to learn to be more forgiving of others, because I should fully know no one is ever perfect (including me) and people (even Christians) fail others.

3 flew by | catch the butterfly!

mild bronchitis [17 Jan 2007|11:32pm]

Had the worse week last week, because I was down and sick. After my sis and I came back from Southampton, we both fell ill. And my cough and throat got worse; and my nose thought it was a good idea to follow suit and got itself congested.

So I was off from work on Tuesday, because I thought I'd best stay in and get well for the interview with G&I at Aldershot on Wednesday. Went for the interview, sniffling all over and went back to the office for Russian class. Unfortunately for me, I came down with the fever too and felt quite ill at class. So I left work early and took Thursday off too.

Went back to work on Friday morning, thinking I was recovering - and being the smart arse I was, took chilled milk with my cereals for breakfast. 15 minutes and a phone call to my mentor after, I was doubled over in pain and couldn't stand up. Colleague got an appointment with the doctors for me, and sent me to the clinic.

I THOUGHT I had reached the worst - but apparently not. Doctor said I had gastritis, and the mild bronchitis to boot! *GAH* And to top things off, my 'aunt' came for a visit and brought me more 'gifts'. Which thankfully lasts for 2 days and disappears.

So I've been on medication and antibiotics since then. Was prescribed amoxicillin by the GP. And I self-precribed Actifed and Nirolex Linctus for the congested nose and cough to me. Now, the label on Actifed says it causes drowsiness - but unfortunately for me, it kept me awake at nights. So instead of sleeping restful sleeps and getting better, I was restless and woke up several times during the night.

The congestion has since cleared up, yet I'm still not getting enough sleep.... (been playing on YPP)

I'm still coughing.

And so are two of my colleagues.... who are down with it and out on leave today. =( Sigh.

Maybe I should have stayed on medical leave for a bit more longer. Mmmm....

1 flew by | catch the butterfly!

ravenclaw? [17 Jan 2007|11:07pm]

Want to Get Sorted?

a Ravenclaw!

i wanted to be in gryffindor!

catch the butterfly!

the VIP in the lift [17 Jan 2007|10:26pm]

I bumped into the Director of Operations (the big boss) of my company P.Hobden today as I was coming out from the lecture theatre after lunch. Lazy to climb the stairs I decided to take the lift back up to my seat on the 2nd floor. And the man was right there behind me as I walked towards the lift.

I've only met this man once. But the impression of him and his life and what he has achieved thus far stays fresh in my mind. You see, being a new staff in the company, the graduates were all given a two-day induction course; giving us insights into the different departments in our company and meeting the people who are in charge. And these people are those who call the shots in what we do; from deciding to pursue a project, to securing the project and accounting for costs and budget, to getting the job done and to the client.

But I think the high point of the induction was spending two and half hours with the most important man in the company (at least for UK headquarters) and was each given a chance to ask one question – any question; regarding his job and position, his life, his motivation and drive, his achievements, the future of the company, the present position of our company, the direction of which we’re going into, the work in the foreseeable future... Anything.

There were 18 of us that day; and questions on politics and everything mentioned above were asked. One of the questions was to describe his daily routine in a week. Oh! There were too many meetings in a day, with clients, with managers, with the safety people, with lawyers. Far too many emails and conference calls. And working hours of 16 hours each day; from 6 in the morning when he wakes up till before he sleeps at 10 at night. WOW. *crazy la*

He sure is a busy man, yet he still takes the time to come down and welcome us to the company. It’s not a big gesture, but it’s a meaningful one.

One of the graduates asked him how he got to where he is now (so we can follow in his steps and be successful like him la... what else?). And he began by saying he was a bad example to follow - simply because unlike the 18 of us who got Masters and PhDs from respectable universities, he did not get a degree but did an apprenticeship instead. But what he did, he did with a lot of dedication and a lot of commitment. He did mention his motivation was money, and that’s what drove him to give his 100% to his job. Regardless of who he worked for, he worked for the company with complete loyalty and dedication and did his job to the highest standard.

And that was how he climbed the corporate ladder. People recognized and respected his commitment, dedication and achievement. "You are only as good as your last project" is one of his phrases in life. He was also confident enough to say that no one in this present day in the company whom he feels threatened by for his job. He complained about the lack of young people 'rising up' and threatening his position in the company. Quite ego la for him to say that...

It made an impression on me though. Loyalty and dedication to one’s work, principles and values are at the top of my list of good values to possess.

This man lived the talk. And is successful because of it.

So, There I was - standing beside, waiting for the lift. The lift arrived and we both stepped in. And I gave him a smile (cause he’s my boss and I mega-respected him). He returned it. Then asked if I was settling in to the company alright, just before a whole bunch of people stepped into the lift with us. =)

You see, you wouldn’t expect the big boss to remember a young graduate who just started 3 months ago and saw for a little over two hours at the induction. Neither would you expect such an important man to ask the young graduate such a simple question which although doesn’t really signify he cares very much about the answer; it does imply he cares enough even just to ask.

catch the butterfly!

random things that happen unfortunately [16 Jan 2007|11:53pm]

You know your nails are too long when you dig into your thumb with your last finger and cut yourself!

-- Time for a manicure session.

And Indulgence is so much easier when you have the cash to splurge on....

.... resisting the temptationS to shop for clothes, jewellery, books, shoes, furniture, electronic appliances and cute fluffy teddy bears.

-- Being a working adult sure is difficult.

Oh boy.

2 flew by | catch the butterfly!

happy belated birthday sapphire_pearl@LJ [16 Jan 2007|10:14pm]

I have yet again forgot to acknowledge my poor blog's 3rd anniversary (14 January 2004). GAH. Poor blog... Happy Belated Birthday, again. It indeed has been a journey these past 4 years. Looking back and reading what I wrote - it's amazing to see how much I've achieved since then, how much have perspectives altered and how life has changed. Bitter sweet.

Thanks to those on my friends list for sticking by to (still) read. =) Nothing interesting here I know, and lots of rants. But thanks all the same for the hugs you've given me when I needed them most.

I still love this layout of mine (many many thanks still to ioogleguys), even though it's about 2 years old now. I think butterflies sort of personify my whole journey anyway - the journey of self-discovery, of bitter loss and of the sweet joy of new 'birth'.... wouldn't change it for the world.

2 flew by | catch the butterfly!

happy new year 2007! [07 Jan 2007|04:18am]


I hope all of you had a great awesome start to 2007! Belatedly the first post of 2007 is a little late la. But can't help it, because I have actually been doing loads of travelling around the UK and to Paris.

Briefly, my sis and I were at Liverpool for Christmas eve and Christmas, Manchester on Boxing day, London on 28th Dec, 1st, 4th and 5th Jan, Paris from 29-31, Southampton on 2-3 Jan. I travelled to more places in 2 weeks than I have in one year! *absurd* But it's awesome to be spending the end of the old year in one country and the start of the new year in another. Will try to post pics up.... I have promised pics on so many occassions but failed. So will try and post a photo diary of the past year I suppose.

I'm pretty pooped from all that travelling. And it's not helping my dark circles and complexion. (neither is sleeping at this hour =P) My sis left for home this evening at 18:15 hour. I wasn't too sad seeing her leave as I was with my dad, but I was sad all the same - wishing I could go home too to where my family is. And leaving the cold, bitter winter weather. Yucks.

Gotta go back to work on Monday morning, and I'll have to see my manager when I get in about the new assignment he has for me. So not looking forward to a workload piling. But it's gotta be done - need to earn an honest living. =(

Anyhow, I usually don't make resolutions, because I am simply extremely bad at keeping them. But there is one deep desire that I want to see achieved this year. (And apparently, if you write it down officially, you are more likely to achieve the goals/objectives.)

So my desire is to get back into fellowship with God and cultivate a lifestyle of worship, bible and prayer.

It sounds very general, but I know I have messed up my walk with God again and fallen off that path. And I want to be able to seek God again with my heart and learn how to love more, and forgive more. I want to learn what it means to live by His grace daily (since I'm such a messy sinner *sigh*).

Of course, I have other resolutions too la.... go to gym and lose some weight and get rid of the flabs, eat more healthy, learn how to cook/bake properly (or rather cultivate a like for cooking), better time management and be responsible for my own work and meet deadlines, save money for mom and brother, read the unread books on my shelf.

Wow... that's a lot of resolutions also la. But wellz.... we'll see. (And I'll try.) Happy New Year again one and all!

catch the butterfly!

please remember [07 Jan 2007|03:37am]

Please Remember

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our seperate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
And remember, please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me

Please remember, Please remember

Courtesy of

Song came up as I was posting the last (locked) entry.... and it speaks volumes to me. I suppose the memories are still treasures enough to be treasured.

catch the butterfly!

Birthday 2006 [24 Dec 2006|03:51am]

Wheeeeeeeeee............... my sis has arrived from Malaysia, with a present for me and foodie/clothes/stuffs galore. I'm happy happy happy. Was a bit depressed on the last day at work, because many people didn't bother coming in after the winter ball the previous night; and those who did, came late and left early. So I was all bummed out at my desk.

BUT my sis has arrived, and is asleep. And I've been cleaning and tidying my flat the whole day I'm exhausted now. We're leaving for Liverpool in the morning, to make it in time for Christmas eve service at LCGC. And then Christmas day with Ernest's family. And Boxing day in Manchester (because she studied there, and wants to walk down memory lane literally) So we're going... and that's that. And we'll be back in London on the 27th. To try and catch the After Christmas sales.

Oh and she gave me a Bubble Footspa Massager.... *jumps up for joy* for me birthday. =D

And being quite shameless this year... I'm going to say a big big big.... hugeass....


Come on people.... At least one happy birthday greeting for me??? Ppppplease with two fat juicy strawberries on top?

15 flew by | catch the butterfly!

Wish List Christmas 2006 [16 Dec 2006|09:58pm]

Another year has come, another year has gone.

It feels like yesterday I was in Paris for Christmas and still worrying about exams and results and job applications. But nonetheless... time has gone on again; and here I am, no longer a student but an engineer. And I've got 2 titles behind my name to boot ---> Angeline Cheong MEng (Hons) AMIMechE. *wide grin* AMIMechE (Associate Member Institution of Mechanical Engineer) is the title for graduate engineers who are working to get their chartership status.

And to top it off, I get older by one more year. *meh* 9 more days and I add one more year to my age. =( Sigh....

Anyhoo... it's Christmas. And my sis is actually coming to visit. I wanna see my mama and papa too. But sigh.... sis is better than none la. And she's bringing food.

Wish lists are doing its rounds again in cyberspace. I believe (and I checked) I'm posting mine later again this year. Mmmm..... I'll put it up anyway, because little girls like to dream of sugar and spice.

The wish list community at LJ --> holiday_wishes
My Amazon Wish List

InstructionsCollapse )

Angeline @ SaphPearl's Wish List

  1. A birthday card/Christmas card for me.

  2. A journal layout.
    I'd like a new journal layout (I love the one I have) but this will be for perhaps a new website/blog.

  3. Guitar pick. Cute ones, pink ones, colourful ones, funny shaped ones....
    Want to learn to play the guitar and my cousin's gonna borrow me his guitar. So I'll be needing a guitar pick.

  4. Jewelleries/earrings/trinkets.
    I love my jewelleries, earrings, beads and trinkets cute.

  5. The last few episodes of Power Rangers (the season with the Rangers and Animarium) for my brother.
    [Please email me first if you have any available especially the final 2 episodes]

  6. Photos of scenic places again; tourists attractions, buildings, etc. or pretty, happy people.
    [digital or otherwise, & clear]

  7. MP3s (or CDs or Christian books)
    Music: Classical, pop, musicals, vocals, instrumentals, gospel, jazz, LOTR/HP soundtracks, Celine Dion, Josh Groban, Jim Brickman, Hillsongs, Planet Shakers & Don Moen.
    [MP3s to be emailed. Any CD compiled or would like to give away]

    Books: Emotional/spiritual healing, BGRs, drawing closer to God, leadership, a different bible version [I'm using NIV]

  8. The movie Music of My (The) Heart, about a teacher going to this school to teach the kids violin and had difficulties with the parents. I'm in Region 2 coding system by the way.

  9. Once again, A word of encouragement and love.

    Stop all the busy schedule and spend this Christmas with God's love.
    Look around and appreciate the simple, innocent beauty of nature.
    And if possible pray for a loved one or friends or someone who really needs it.

  10. And don't forget to Go Grant someone else's wish!!!

May God bless you this Christmas.

Once again, no one is pressured to buy anything on my amazon wish list. I just had it compiled to keep track of what I could get for myself or family and friends (when I have the money!) After all it's a girl's birthday! Tehehehe... Have fun making your own Wish Lists too. I'm off to bed. God Bless...

PS: Email to
I'm in Surrey this year so email me for a postal address if you need one.

1 flew by | catch the butterfly!

to love or not to love [03 Dec 2006|12:57pm]

"Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust" -EmG

It's just odd that it should be that way. The stubborn me asks why why why. But I think I know the answer... Sigh.

So, to love or not to love?

1 flew by | catch the butterfly!

hugs [15 Nov 2006|12:25pm]

I need a hug....

5 flew by | catch the butterfly!

love beyond all reason [02 Nov 2006|05:23pm]

Dad's finally gone home on Tuesday evening; and I cried buckets of tears that night.

I truly miss him - admittedly it was frustrating having him around because he would keep telling what to do, what not to do... talk to me when I'm watching charmed (what a horrid daughter I am!) But I really miss him; not because he cooked for me all the time or walked me to the train station to catch the bus (much like the daddy walking the daughter to school - instead this time, it's to work. *grins shamelessly*)... it just that... he's my daddy... u know....

Sometimes there's isn't just a valid reason: things like this go beyond all reason, straight into love.

I guess God's love is just the same.... it goes beyond all reason.

3 flew by | catch the butterfly!

rambling at work [26 Oct 2006|10:02am]

It’s 9.30am and I’m already feeling very sleepy. Probably fuelled by the fact that I slept late last night. Work’s been peachy – I’m still waiting to be assigned to a project, so all I’ve had to do this past one week and four days was to sit down and pretend to be busy.

It feels really weird to be away from Liverpool. It’s finally sinking in I no longer belong to Liverpool – no longer will I be part of the Liverpool gang. I miss hanging out with people at LCGC. The frisbee afternoons, the McDonalds sessions, the worship practises, the giggly chats and the leadership trainings.

It’s just one of those moments, where you look back and realise that life and time has indeed moved on; even if your heart stubbornly wants to hang on and not let go of the familiar past.

Feeling terribly lonely and forgotten here down south. I have to admit that deep down I know that what I really need – all I really need is God. But just as so many have said about dry seasons, this draught has stretched long enough and the oasis seems far too distant.

I know not where to find refuge except in God. But first I need to let go...

On another note, daddy’s leaving for home next Tuesday and I’m terrified of Tuesday! Simply because having him around for these past 3 weeks have been very comforting and assuring and somewhat pampering. Sometimes I really wonder if I was crazy to have made this decision to stay and work here. I’m really struggling to see how I will be able to cope.

But there’s this constant nagging deep inside that this move was meant to be; and He has a greater purpose in this engineered circumstance of His - difficult and painful it may be. Part of me believes that God will carry me through and tries to psych the physical and emotional to be gusto and strong and excited with positive enthusiasm that there are great things ahead...

The child in me is terrified that I will collapse under the burden and will cry and wail and shout about wanting to go home. And I’m terrified of that fear, because there are so many in my family who is so proud of what I’ve achieved here and hope to see me achieve more and fulfil my purpose here. And I’m petrified of disappointing them. Even more, I'm petrified of having no faith.

It feels like faith is something I’m desperately trying to catch a hold of, but faith just whispers away with the wind. And this has been my constant struggle the whole summer.

It just seems rather odd that yesterday’s message on UfHH was about letting God have His way and submitting to His purpose – because He has chosen me, and not the other way around.

“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name...” John 15:16

And just as a reminder to my mule of a brain…. I’ll stick this in here anyway.

God is at work bending, breaking, moulding, and doing exactly as He chooses.

Once God has placed His call upon you, woe be to you if you "turn aside... to the right or the left..." ( Deuteronomy 28:14 ). He will do with you what He never did before His call came to you, and He will do with you what He is not doing with other people. Let Him have His way...

catch the butterfly!

another bend in the road [08 Oct 2006|06:04pm]

It has indeed been a long time since I last wrote. As a matter of fact, it seems that every entry 'of late' has started off that way. The summer has pretty much flown past in an extremely unnatural rate and speed.

The lack of writing wasn’t so much because of a lack of things to write - on the contrary the mind has gone through much ponderings and musings and the heart have wanted to give words and expression to the burdens sitting heavily inside.

I'm flying back to Surrey on Tuesday afternoon. Most people in my position would be extremely exhilarated and excited to be going back to experience new things. Don’t get me wrong. I am extremely grateful and blessed to be given such an opportunity to stay in England a little bit longer. Even a little excited to be meeting new people and maybe find Surrey just as pleasant as Liverpool. Perhaps, maybe perhaps I can learn to love Surrey just as I loved Liverpool.

But I am overwhelmed with worry and fear. Fear of all things gone wrong, horribly wrong. I feel very helpless and stressed as Tuesday looms up fast.

My Christian beliefs tell me I should walk by faith and not by sight; even if the sight looks a little bleak from this end of the road.

Faith... is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

...yet it is such a big word for such a small person.

I don’t know what I can do; but all I know is I have to take one step at a time.

I guess bends in the road were always meant to be hidden from sight until time (and Providence) chooses to reveal what's around the bend.
1 flew by | catch the butterfly!

last transmission from l'pool [23 Jul 2006|10:43am]

Dear Diary,

After 4 long years in Liverpool, I am heading home. Much has happened the past couple of weeks since I last wrote. Dad came here, and I graduated from his alma mater and mine... of course. And I have travelled a bit and spent my last week in Liverpool packing and saying good byes.

Packing has been a nightmare. As much as I love to collect things, I really hate packing them away and moving them. Unpacking them will be another nightmare.

I'll be flying home this evening with Dad. Flight from Manchester into Heathrow at 17:10, and from Heathrow and finally to home at 22:00. I will be touching home base on Monday 24th at 17:25.

As much excitement I have for going home, I am also feeling the sorrow of leaving Liverpool. I will most definitely miss Liverpool; for though some would say home is home, where home is.... this is also home for me. And I leave with a mixture of joy - at all the memories made and stored away nicely in my memory bank, but also with sorrow - at the partings of friends.... and what I have come to call as family.

This will be my last transmission from Liverpool. However, it will not be my last transmission from the UK.

I'm taking the job down south in Surrey, and will be back in October. So I guess Liverpool will always be close by. Still....

... it doesn't stop the tears from coming..... my room for the past two years have now been stripped bare. My precious things have ben moved away to a friend's home for the summer. And my other stuff are going home with me.

I will write more about the past couple of months. I think I owe myself that to write the memories down... lest one day upon looking back with rusty memories and rickety bones I may forget all that has happened.

This is my last transmission from H13 Agnes Jones House, 1a Catherine Street, of Liverpool, Merseyside. Take care Liverpool. Angel is finally home bound (for now).

10 flew by | catch the butterfly!

Final results are back, it's a 1st! [15 Jun 2006|11:54pm]

Wow... It's been a month (almost) since I last updated.

A lot of things have passed since the month has gone by.

Been to Italy, for 8 days. Came back, and prepared for my interview/assessment centre day. Went to Leatherhead, Surrey for the Interview/Assessment Centre at KBR on the 8th June. Went to Birmingham then to Milton Keynes for a church retreat and came back on Monday just past.

Italy was awesome. Very hot, but awesome all the same. I got back and I fell ill. I hate it when I get sick immediately after getting back from a trip. Down with the cold and cough, but was glad to recover by the 8th. Italy deserves a couple of entries by its own. In the middle of editting all my pictures.

The interview was.... sort of a surprise. KBR Engineers and HR was down in Liverpool last October for a graduate recruitment exhibition, and I passed them my CV. They sent me an application form in November, but I never got back to them. After my finals in May, I got another application from them and a official invitation to the assessment centre/interview day on the 8th. Had a bit of an argument with my mom about safety and going there alone. But that was sorted out when Julia offered to go with me.

KBR is a company which does engineering and construction design work in the oil and gas industry field. They deal with BP and Shell which are more widely known; designing FPSOs or what you would call oil platforms/rigs. (I think/hope I got it correct) Anyway, my parents aren't too keen with the idea of me going to work on oil rigs with all the boys; but nonetheless everyone (including Chris) thought it's a good idea to go to the Assessment Centre for the experience. Considering that Assessment centres are daunting stuff for applicants, it's good practise to go to a few and can afford to get them wrong without worrying too much. So went I did.... but THAT too deserves another entry by its own. So I'll leave that for now.

So why an update today? Of all days? Hehe...

I got my results back! Wasn't quite expecting it so soon, so I didn't have time to get all anxious and worried about it. Got a text this morning from Chris (who's holidaying in Barbados) asking if I was going in to get our (his and mine) results. So I brushed up and trotted out to Uni, wringing my hands and all worried. Went to see Dr. Mines and ended all the worrying and anxiety....

It's a 1st class honours folks. =D *grins widely*

My parents are absolutely happy for me, and my dad's a very proud father. He's coming over for my graduation on the 4th July, but will be arriving earlier on the 1st from KLIA-London-Manchester. It's a shame my mom cannot come for my graduation - brother having SPM this year, and Mom won't let him skip school. =(( And she won't let him stay at home alone. So she's staying too. =((((

Details! Average over my 3 years (1st year not counted) is 69.8% =D I got profiled up to a 1st. So Praise God indeed. God is good and He is faithful. =D I also happen to be the only one from my class of Mechanical MEng Engineers to get a 1st class. The rest of the boys got their 2.1 including Chris (who I know is elated with his results; he did work very hard this final year) There are 10 other students from the other departments (Materials, Aerospace etc...) who got a 1st too. But if I didn't read the list wrongly, I may be the only girl in the MEng batch who got a 1st as well. (Gotta re-check list on that)

As I predicted, I scored 95% for Aeroengines - not the 100% I was hopeful for, but I'm still very thankful for 95% and 91% for Ceramics. *grinning even wider* But yea... I am indeed very happy with my 1st class. I hope it'll give me a better chance of getting a job now.

So continue to keep me in prayers. =) Will post lots of pictures soon.... and I really do mean loads.

6 flew by | catch the butterfly!

it is over and it was worth it [17 May 2006|11:26pm]

It is finally over.

Today marks the day where I close the chapters of my university days and open the next chapters to adulthood.

I am ecstatic but nostalgic. Relieved but exhausted. Today's Aerodynamics paper was extremely well done.

Was actually panicking last night, because belatedly I realised that the module was more intensive and the revision took a longer time than expected. There were some concepts that needed more time to ponder on and work out the variables. By the time 9am came, I realised I still had loads more to cover, i.e. Horse-Shoe Vortices and Prandtl's Lifting Line Theories. Felt guilty for the one hour nap I took in the middle of the night.

This term's exams seemed to have a more stressful effect on my body. I don't feel very stressed, other than the few panic attacks I had. It probably meant that the stress is much more internalised this time round. And as always I worry. I hardly slept. And my fingers were constantly swollen, and my tummy had bouts of diarrhea. Hair loss is another addition to the list as of last night. Not to mention the pimples... *groans* The tummy didn't help much neither. Had instant noodles for dinner last night, and sometime during 4am, I took a cup of Instant Oat Drink. That's when my tummy went really bad.

Felt pretty sick before the exams, but the paper wasn't too difficult. Went through past exam papers with the lecturer during a revision class, and this years questions were fairly similar (Q1 on potential flows and Cp, Q2 on thin aerofoil theories, Q3 on Prandtl's lifting line theory, Q4 and 5 on compressible, supersonic air flows. I'm hoping to get good marks for this paper. Probably a minimum of 85%. *grins*

Anywayz, enough of engineering rambles... I'm just happy it's over and can finally get some sleep. Hopefully, by tomorrow or Saturday, my fingers and knees will feel better and less painful, and the 'internal' stresses gone. The engineering boys have gone a-camping in Wales for 3 days. And left the engineering girl behind. Oh wellz... engineering girl shall go shopping instead.

Did I mention I'll be off to Italy by Sunday?

Yes my dear friends.... Angel is flying to Italy for a week and a day, and she'll be visiting Rome-Florence-Pisa-Milan-Venice from the 21st May onwards. I'm very excited to be going, but that means laundry day has come. (been ignoring my piling laundry for the whole of exams period) YAY and BLAH.

Planning to take loads of pictures. Which reminds me, my Paris pics needs to be processed soon. =D

This year indeed has been a mad and busy one!

3 flew by | catch the butterfly!

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